


be my eternity (call my name)

by eriaell



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Adorable Huening Kai, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends Huening Kai & Kang Taehyun, Cute Huening Kai, Feels, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Huening Kai-Centric, Hurt Huening Kai, Hurt/Comfort, OT5, Self-Esteem Issues, Shy Huening Kai, Sweetheart Huening Kai
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:01:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,032
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22976590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eriaell/pseuds/eriaell
Summary: … maybe he shouldn’t have been given the chance to debut. Maybe then TXT would have been even better, even more loved, without him around to mess things up for everyone else.(because that's all he's good at - messing everything up -- and it hurts)Kai closes his eyes and leans back against the platform wall, heavy thoughts swirling and jumbling together into an almost tangible weight upon his chest. As he falls asleep uneasily, under the glittering starlight, his last indistinct thought is –… wouldn't everything be better…… if he had never been a part of TXT?
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Huening Kai, Choi Soobin & Huening Kai, Choi Yeonjun & Huening Kai, Huening Kai & Everyone, Huening Kai & Kang Taehyun
Comments: 37
Kudos: 286





	1. right now, I need your hand

**Author's Note:**

> so I just bought both versions of the dream chapter: magic, with a total of 4 photocards and 2 student ID holders, and somehow not a single one was my baby hyuka - 
> 
> this anger and sadness and complete injustice fuelled this entirely self-indulgent angst fic. sorry - I promise it gets fluffier

**_Seems like everyone else but me is happy  
It hurts more to laugh than to cry_ **

***

_TXT > members > Hueningkai discussion thread page 45 of 46_

_< first> 44 45 46 <last>_

**_Yeonxbin:_ ** _He needs to stop clinging to Soobin – it’s so annoying. Why can’t he just get that he’s annoying as fuck and no one wants to put up with his shit?_

 **_Jjunie-jun:_ ** _No stage presence, awkward dancing, unreliable vocals… why was he even allowed to debut. The group would be better as four in my opinion. No offense._

 **_jungsihyeon:_ ** _Hueningkai? More like nugu?_

 **_gyugyu:_ ** _@Yeonxbin urghhh I know right? Soobin’s always glaring at him, he needs to take a hint. I’m amazed at binnie’s patience, I would have bitch-slapped that kid so many times already_

 **_moarmy:_ ** _@Yeonxbin especially the aegyo, it’s sooooo annoying and cringy. He looks so fake doing it too. And he’s always bothering the other members, I feel bad that they have to pretend to like him_

 **_multistan:_ ** _@moarmy agree!! Is he trying to act ‘cute’ because he’s the maknae? But everyone can tell it’s just acting, he’s so unnatural and over-the-top… bleghh honestly nothing about him is cute_

 **_kpopmulti:_ ** _@moarmy totally agree! He’s pretending to have all these cute quirks to sell the maknae image but his acting is so bad. Nothing about him is actually cute…_

 **_soobinny:_ ** _I can’t believe he’s labeled as a visual, he’s so ugly. He looks like an alien or a robot or something. Gives me the creeps_

 **_SMt0wn:_ ** _…so I’m not the only one who thinks he’s ugly…_

“…ning-ie? Hueningie?” Kai jumps as he feels a hand upon his shoulder, and quickly puts down his phone. Taehyun looks at him worriedly. “Break is almost over. Are you feeling alright?”

Kai flashes a cheerful smile. “Of course I’m fine, just a bit tired. Dance practice today is more intense than usual,” he lies, absently rubbing at the sleeve of his hoodie.

(it’s soft and comfortable. bright, colourful. like he wishes he could be)

Taehyun’s gaze softens slightly. It’s been a few long weeks lately, which is to be expected with the rapidly-approaching comeback looming over the entire group. “Just a few more run-throughs and Soobin-hyung will probably call it a day. I think we did pretty well today, but we’ll have to check the videos of course.”

It is late enough that the dance instructor has already left, but the group has opted to stay for some individual practice on their own, relying on videotaping themselves to monitor their performance.

Kai nods and bites his lip, wondering if he has been holding the group back. He’s always been the one to make the most mistakes during practice and he knows it. The others must resent him for having to start over so many times because he forgot the move, or was in the wrong position, dragging their practices late into the night.

“Sorry Taehyunie, I’ll try not to mess up again,” he murmurs softly, almost inaudibly.

Taehyun looks slightly startled as if he isn’t sure if he has heard right, but before he can reply, Soobin signals for everyone to get back into position.

***

Despite promising Taehyun to try harder, Kai can’t seem to quiet his tumultuous thoughts.

He knows that all kpop idols get antis, he’s been warned by his mentors and seniors in the company. He knows he should stop reading, forget about the comments, and continue to work hard as a rookie idol. But somehow he keeps returning to the online forum, clicking through one page after another.

(it’s like his fingers are out of control. just like the rest of him)

Kai is glad that TXT has built a solid fanbase, despite the negative comments drawing comparisons to BTS. It hurts that they can never live up to expectations, but they’ve all prepared themselves for these comparisons, hardening their hearts in advance – and he should have been satisfied with that. Why is he always so selfish? Why can’t he just be happy with what he has?

It doesn’t matter what people say, right? It’s not true.

Kai dances mechanically, trying to focus on nothing but the next move. Did he misjudge his spacing? Perhaps he should be a bit closer to the right. He’s always slightly off in the video playbacks.

(maybe it _is_ true. he knows he’s the worst dancer)

Kai jumps, but not quickly enough, and his feet land off-beat, off-sync, the noise much too loud on the wooden studio floor. It slices through the music like a mark of shame. The tips of his ears redden, and he scrambles ungracefully for the next position.

If that happens on stage, he thinks to himself, there would be an explosion of disparaging comments online. And he would deserve them.

“Let’s try that again,” Yeonjun announces as soon as the music stops. “Hyuka, on the second line of the chorus you need to get into position more quickly for the jump.”

“Yes, hyung,” Kai nods, and swallows past the lump in his throat. “I’ll get it right this time.”

Taehyun looks at him sharply, but Kai doesn’t look in his direction, focusing resolutely on his feet.

***

Once upon a time, there were five boys, with one dream. These boys were unknown to the world, but they imagined a day when their music would be heard across the globe. They trained hard, laughed together, learned to depend on each other. They became friends, brothers, _soulmates_.

The sky had felt like their blank canvas – they were ready to scrawl their own shining constellation.

Kai wonders if there’s any bit of that innocent dreamer left in him.

Sometimes – though he tries not to think about it – he wonders if he is letting everyone down. Sometimes he feels like a hideous stain marring the brightness of the other members. If they are the light, then he is the shadow, and he wishes he can hide himself away so he can remain unseen.

(sometimes he feels so tired he can barely breathe)

***

It is almost midnight when the members finally file out of the studio, exhausted and loose-limbed, to call a taxi back to the dorms.

“One more week until the comeback show, huh…” Yeonjun yawns, stretching out in the cramped space of the car and accidentally jabbing Soobin, who’s next to him. “Oops, sorry, Soobinnie.”

“I think we’re pretty much set,” Soobin says contemplatively. “At this point it’s mainly the dancing and live vocals that we need to rehearse, until it’s so familiar we can do it in our sleep.”

“There’s no room for error,” murmurs Beomgyu, frowning vaguely in concentration. “It needs to be perfect.” _To win Rookie of the Year_ remains unsaid, but it hangs in the air between them all.

Kai shrinks back a little into his seat. “Hyung,” he whispers in a small voice to Beomgyu beside him, “are you mad at me?”

“Why would you think that?” Beomgyu turns to him, surprised.

“I keep messing things up for you guys,” Kai looks down, ashamed. “I’m sorry.”

Beomgyu hooks his arm through Kai’s reassuringly. “Don’t say that. We still have time. We all mess up sometimes, and I know you work hard.”

It’s not enough, Kai wants to say. But he doesn’t want to seem childish, like he’s looking for acknowledgement – or worse, pity. Instead, he nods and leans into Beomgyu’s side to surreptitiously soak up his warmth.

(he’s always so cold these days. the October chill seems to have settled into his very bones)

Yeonjun glances over his shoulder at the backseat. “Yah, what are you kids mumbling about,” he drawls languidly, and Beomgyu pouts in offense.

“Jjunie-hyung, I’m not a kid like these two! Include me in the hyung line, please!”

Kai giggles despite himself, and his chest feels lighter than it has in days. He doesn’t let go of Beomgyu’s arm for the rest of the ride.

***

_TXT > members > Hueningkai discussion thread page 46 of 46_

_< first> 45 46 <last>_

**_hyunnie-oppa:_ ** _Do people really think he’s the main vocal? Remember the hundreds of times his voice cracked on stage? I feel bad for the rest of TXT, he makes them look bad in front of everyone_

 **_stanTalent:_ ** _@moarmy he’s such an attention-seeker it’s disgusting_

 **_Bighitman:_ ** _@Jjunie-jun Lol let’s not pretend we don’t all know he’s just there for publicity reasons…. you know… being half-white and all_

 **_JYPtrainee:_ ** _he should be grateful for his mixed blood, it’s the only way he got to debut despite having no talent whatsoever. Any publicity is good publicity, amiright?_

 **_swagYG:_ ** _@soobinny Must be too much plastic surgery gone wrong, this is what happens when you’re too desperate_

 **_CrownOnMyHead:_ ** _@soobinny Beomgyu is the actual visual and center, they only labelled hueningkai as the visual bc he has no other talent. His only real position is maknae, and even then Taehyunie is much cuter as maknae… Tbh they didn’t need him in the group at all…_

Kai takes a shaky breath, presses at his phone blindly until the screen goes dark and the words disappear. But they keep ringing in his head, a cacophony of hate – are they true? After all, it’s always the truth that hurts the most.

It’s not true, he mouths to himself. But even his reflection in the dark phone screen looks unconvinced.

(it’s true – they don’t need him in the group at all)

He huddles deeper into his blanket, wraps it tightly around himself the way he was tucked in as a child. He already regrets reading through the rest of the comments before bed – but like always, he just can’t seem to tear his eyes away. It’s a bit like watching a train-wreck in slow motion.

“Hueningie, what are you doing?” Taehyun mumbles sleepily from the other bed. “Go to sleep, we’ve got dance practice again tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Kai whispers back and sinks fully into the bed. He hugs his dolphin plushie closer, shuts his eyes tightly until he sees stars drifting slowly behind his closed lids.

I’ll do better tomorrow, he promises silently. I’ll _be_ better tomorrow.

***

Kai wakes with a gasp, disoriented and cold. There are no windows in the room he shares with Taehyun and Beomgyu, but it doesn’t seem like much time has passed since he fell into a restless sleep. He reaches blindly in the dark for his dolphin plushie for several moments before realizing it must have fallen to the floor at some point in his careless tossing and turning.

He sits up quietly, taking a moment to let his eyes adjust to the pitch-black darkness before carefully climbing down the top bunk. In the bottom bunk, Taehyun shifts a little but remains asleep.

Kai picks up his plushie from the floor and hugs it to his chest, fondly recalling his pre-debut birthday party where it was gifted to him by Soobin. It was only a little more than one year ago, but it feels like forever – so much has changed, so quickly. In a good way, of course, but Kai can’t help but feel nostalgic sometimes.

(back then, Soobin had always been the one to seek him out, to make him feel safe and wanted)

Suddenly, the plushie doesn’t seem enough – he’s awash with the desire for Soobin’s warm, comforting presence. His feet carry him halfway to Yeonjun and Soobin’s room before he even makes a conscious decision, following the familiar route that he has taken countless times in the past – whenever he couldn’t fall sleep or didn’t want to sleep alone.

 _‘He needs to stop clinging to Soobin – it’s so annoying.’_ The thought tracks across his mind, unbidden, and a sudden wave of shame stops him in his tracks.

Soobin has never been bothered by it before, has he? He tries to reassure himself, but the doubt lingers. Maybe he _is_ being too clingy. Maybe Soobin is just being patient with him, and he is too dumb to realize.

The hallway is so cold. Kai shivers, clutching instinctively at his thin nightshirt.

Maybe Yeonjun wouldn’t mind – he even seems to enjoy cuddling with him sometimes when Kai crawls into his bed late at night. Just one more night, then he’ll stop being such a baby, he thinks guiltily. He pushes the door open and timidly slips into the room, tiptoeing next to Yeonjun’s bed.

“Ne, hyung, are you asleep?” Kai whispers, peering at Yeonjun in the darkness.

Yeonjun gives a sleepy grunt without opening his eyes, but scoots obligingly to the far side of the bed to make space for him. A slow warmth unfurls in Kai’s chest.

“Thanks, Jjunie-hyung.” He crawls somewhat clumsily beneath the blanket and curls up close to Yeonjun, who proceeds to sloppily sling an arm around Kai’s waist. The weight of it is strangely comforting, and Kai sighs happily before closing his eyes and snuggling into the loose embrace.

(it is childish, maybe, but – in this moment, it feels like home)

***

**_I try to hold it in, I try to endure, every day  
But it’s not easy, right now, I need your hand_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hate comments for hyuka hurt my entire soul. pls just love this pure, wholesome baby. (btw, all the usernames are made-up and not meant to represent anyone irl - if any of them are yours, let me know and I'll change it)
> 
> side note: I love hyuka's dolphin plushies, and the fact that he sneaks into his members' beds to sleep


	2. when tears come, hold my hand tight

**_In_ ** **_those times, when tears come  
Hold my hand tight, shall we run away?_ **

***

Kai wakes slowly, reluctantly. He wants to ignore the insistent hand shaking his shoulder, but then realizes through the haze of sleep that it’s Soobin’s voice calling his name. He rubs at his eyes groggily and squints at the clock – if Soobin is already awake, then it must be pretty late already.

“Hyuka, you slept in Yeonjun-hyung’s bed last night?” Soobin asks with a tiny frown. Kai flinches slightly and mumbles an acknowledgement, not meeting Soobin’s gaze.

Yeonjun appears in the doorway as if summoned by the mention of his name. “This brat stole my blanket last night and was the reason I woke up freezing!” he gripes, pouting exaggeratedly. Soobin rolls his eyes fondly. “Anyway, hurry up guys, we are leaving soon – we have a full schedule today.”

“Sorry hyung, I’m coming,” Kai sits up lethargically and trudges into the bathroom to get ready.

(these days, he always seems to wake up more tired than refreshed)

He ends up skipping breakfast – he isn’t hungry anyway, and the toast that Beomgyu offers him doesn’t really seem appetizing. He is grateful for the brief respite he gets during the car ride to the studio, closing his eyes for a quick nap and missing the concerned glances Taehyun shoots at him.

“Are you okay?” Taehyun whispers to him as they enter the recording studio, “you seem a little subdued. And you weren’t in your bed last night.”

Kai tugs at the hem of his hoodie guiltily. “Did I wake you when I left?” he whispers back. “Sorry, I tried to be quiet.”

Taehyun shakes his head impatiently. “No, that doesn’t matter.” He seems like he wants to say more, but the staff calls him over at that moment to go over some of his adlibs.

Kai gives a small wave as Taehyun leaves, then looks down at his own music sheets, messily filled with his scribbled notations. All the songs for the new album have been recorded already, but there are a few more harmonies and adlibs that they are working on for the finishing touch.

He heads to an empty practice room to go over his parts as he waits for his turn to record. He runs through his usual vocal warm-up exercises, but he can’t seem to get his voice to relax completely. Slightly frustrated, Kai takes a sip of his water and tries to calm down.

Before he could get back to practising, he is called for his turn, and he enters the recording room with some trepidation. He’s practiced these parts alone so many times already, he tries to reassure himself as he hesitantly smiles at the staff.

The first few lines go well, without much trouble, and Kai relaxes somewhat. But then Yeonjun and Beomgyu decide to take a break from their practice to come watch him, wearing identical bright grins of encouragement, and he tenses up again.

Predictably, his voice strains and cracks on the high note of the next adlib. Kai reddens in embarrassment and covers his face with his sleeves. “Yah, this is what you get for staying in bed until the last possible second,” Yeonjun cackles loudly. “Guess your voice still isn’t fully warmed up yet.”

(…or maybe he’s just not good at this. he probably doesn’t deserve to get so many lines)

Kai forces a sheepish laugh. “I blame your bed for being just too comfortable, Yeonjun-hyung,” he jokes back. His ears still feel hot, but he determinedly focuses on his adlib once again.

This time he hits the note clearly and comfortably, and Beomgyu claps approvingly while Yeonjun offers an energetic thumbs-up. But Kai can’t seem to muster up the same enthusiasm at the small success.

 _‘Remember the hundreds of times his voice cracked on stage?’_ Yes, Kai remembers them all vividly. He hates that he can never seem to attain Taehyun’s easy stability and confidence, and then he hates himself even more for the petty thought.

There’s still a week left – no, there’s _only_ a week left, he thinks weakly, and subconsciously tightens his grip on his music sheets.

***

After everyone is finished recording, they decide to order some food and take a short lunch break before the afternoon dance practice. While Yeonjun and Soobin dig in with gusto, Kai picks at his salad unenthusiastically before putting it aside in favour of his phone. He resolutely stays away from the online discussion forum this time, opting to casually browse through some popular TXT fancams that never fail to cheer him up.

Instead of the usual thrill at seeing their stages, however, all he can focus on are his own stiff movements that stood out in contrast to everyone else’s fluid motions. Kai bites at his lips critically and clicks to the next fancam.

He knows that dancing is not his forte, which is why he’d chosen it as his area of focus in school, and he had started to feel tentatively hopeful lately at his recent progress. But the fancam seems to highlight all his weak points and just like that, his new confidence evaporates as if it’d never existed.

Kai has always liked the fact that TXT doesn’t have any official positions, allowing them the freedom to be flexible and well-rounded. But now he can’t help but wonder – is he just afraid of facing the fact that he doesn’t actually have an important role in the group?

(it’s always the truth that hurts the most, of course)

After all, Yeonjun has always been undeniably the best in both dancing and rap, with his sharp movements and powerful stage presence, while Taehyun’s clear, strong and versatile voice is perfect for the main vocal. Soobin’s maturity and sense of responsibility made him the ideal leader, and Beomgyu is officially acknowledged as the center and visual.

Kai’s really nothing but the maknae of the group.

He’s not jealous, not really. He’s honestly proud of his members for being so talented, and knows – better than anyone else – that they work hard for their achievements. Kai tries to fulfill his role to the best of his abilities, too, always ready with his aegyo and his bubbly, energetic, cheerful presence. And he doesn’t think it’s fair to say he’s faking it, because this _is_ his real personality – only turned up to 100% at all times. But that’s to be expected, isn’t it? Doesn’t everyone want to only show their best side?

(he doesn’t want to admit it, but lately, it’s been a bit harder to keep up the cheerfulness)

Across the room, he sees Beomgyu say something that makes Yeonjun fall into a fit of giggles, choking on his mouthful of noodles. Meanwhile, Soobin is wiping carefully at Taehyun’s mouth, which seems to be smeared with a little bit of ice cream.

They look perfect like that, without him.

‘ _His only real position is maknae, and even then Taehyunie is much cuter as maknae…’_ He had tried to erase the comment from his mind, but now it comes back with a pang. If Kai hadn’t debuted with the group, then Taehyun would be the maknae, with his cute, earnest, wide-eyed innocence that belies his subtly wicked humour.

It’s not as if Kai has done anything to deserve the title of maknae. He just happens to be the youngest.

Kai shakes his head in an attempt to clear away these thoughts. Stop wallowing in self-pity, it’s pathetic, he scolds himself silently.

But it’s hard to shake the feeling of being unneeded – of being a burden to the group. He can’t help but feel guilty; not only is he worthless to the group, he keeps making mistakes that reflect badly on everyone else.

“Are you watching fancams of yourself again?” Soobin’s voice comes unexpectedly from behind him, and Kai startles slightly. Soobin laughs at his reaction and continues teasingly, “careful that your ego doesn’t grow too big to fit in this room.”

“I’m just admiring my handsome face,” Kai sniffs haughtily and adopts a lofty expression. Soobin rolls his eyes and pinches at his cheeks, and Kai grins at him winningly. For a moment, all seems well.

But the smile slides off his face as soon as Soobin turns away.

***

New Rules is exciting in that it allows them to show a new side of themselves, and the choreography is likewise energetic and challenging. As the tallest, presumably strongest members of the group, Kai and Soobin have been tasked with the role of carrying Taehyun together during his lines.

At first, they’ve had some trouble coordinating the back-and-forth motion, but with constant practice they have become comfortable with lifting Taehyun together – it helps that he weighs the least in the group – and now the movement comes quite naturally without any concern.

Perhaps that’s why it’s so surprising when Kai somehow stumbles this time and loosens his grip, causing a messy flurry of chaos as Taehyun drops to the floor unceremoniously while Soobin wrenches his wrist away with a small yelp.

“I’m so sorry, Soobin-hyung, Taehyun, are you guys okay?” Kai bursts out, panicked, disregarding the painful twinge in his own hand.

Yeonjun shuts off the music player with a frown and comes over to check on the three of them. Luckily, Taehyun had landed with his characteristic agility and seems to be more startled than hurt, but Soobin is holding his wrist and suppressing a wince.

“What happened?” Yeonjun demands with a serious expression, reaching out for Soobin’s arm to examine his hand gingerly.

Truthfully, Kai doesn’t even know himself what had happened – it all went by so fast. But he knows that it’s his fault. He had managed to hurt two of his best friends by tripping over nothing in a routine that he has practiced dozens of times, and it’s all his fault.

“I-I’m sorry, I accidentally tripped and lost my grip,” Kai stammers, crouching down to help Taehyun up. “Are you hurt anywhere, Taehyunie?”

“No, I’m fine,” Taehyun replies quietly, “But Hueningie, are you okay? Your hand seems a bit swollen.” He lifts a hand, as if to reach for Kai’s arm.

Kai hurriedly pulls his hand away, feeling guilty that Taehyun is even wasting his energy worrying about him when he’s the one to blame for this entire mess. “Don’t worry about me, is Soobin-hyung’s wrist okay?”

“It’s a little red but not sprained,” Yeonjun reports briefly. “Should be fine with a little bit of rest.” Kai nods weakly and looks down in shame.

“How did this happen though?” Beomgyu, who has stayed silent until now, asks bluntly. “We can’t afford to have this happen again.”

Kai shrinks away from the harsh tone and tries desperately to search his memory for why he’d stumbled, without success. “…I don’t remember,” Kai whispers feebly, ashamed. “I’m sorry, I guess I was just distracted.”

“That’s not good enough,” Beomgyu presses sharply. “What if this happens on stage? The entire performance would be ruined.”

Kai feels a stinging at the corners of his eyes; with horror, he realizes he’s about to cry – he _never_ cries. He turns away slightly, hiding his face from the others.

“Accidents happen,” Taehyun cuts in, putting a hand on Kai’s shoulder reassuringly.

Beomgyu exhales, and says in a softer tone, “sorry Hyuka, I’m just stressed – I didn’t mean to blame you. Just try to be careful in the future, okay?”

“Yes, hyung,” Kai acknowledges, not meeting his gaze.

“Hyuka, are you not feeling well today?” Soobin asks in a concerned tone. “You seem… less like yourself lately, did you catch a cold?”

Kai knows why he’s so worried – as their leader, Soobin has always felt personally responsible for their health, and they especially can’t afford to be sick so close to the comeback. “No, I’m not sick” he says. “I just slipped.” His voice wavers slightly and he tries to blink back the tears that threaten to fall, feeling angry at himself for being so dumb and clumsy.

Soobin doesn’t seem convinced. “Okay. But you should head back to the dorm to rest up and take care of your wrist – it looks pretty swollen. The rest of us will stay here to practice a little longer.”

“I’m fine,” Kai says quickly. “I should practice more, we don’t have much time left.”

“We still have a week,” Soobin says firmly. “I’m the leader, and I say you need to rest.” More gently, he adds: “you can try this again when you’re refreshed and feeling better.”

Kai tries to brush away the instinctive sharp pain at being kicked out of practice, knowing that Soobin doesn't mean it that way and only wants the best for him.

“… okay” he agrees in a small voice, and quietly leaves.

***

On a humid summer night – a bit more than a year ago – the five of them had been sprawled languorously in the grassy park, bellies filled with the street food they had snuck out to eat.

It had been just a few months after the group was formed, and they were starting to prepare for their debut, full of excitement and giddiness and big dreams. On that night, they giggled freely as they talked about nothing and everything, basking under the rosy glow of the sunset.

They stayed there until the night was dotted with countless bright stars that twinkled merrily above them, until Kai had been lulled to sleep by the balmy warmth and had to be shaken awake by the others when the staff finally found them. They had all received a stern scolding for sneaking out, of course, but it was worth it. The stars were particularly beautiful that night.

(sometimes he wonders – when had the stars lost their shine?)

***

Kai shivers a little in the cool autumn breeze. He had forgotten to take his coat with him when he’d left. But it’s not yet dark, and he doesn’t want to return to the dorm right away, despite Soobin’s insistence on resting.

It would feel so empty, without the others there.

On a whim, he decides to take a walk to clear his head and shake off the slump that seems to be plaguing him lately. Indeed, the brisk temperature seems to be helpful in soothing his turmoiled thoughts. Without any regard to direction, he wanders slowly and aimlessly along the road in a sort of mindless daze.

It’s only after it gets dark when he realizes that he’s lost. His first thought is to call Soobin, but he then remembers with chagrin that his phone is in the pocket of his coat – which he has stupidly left at the studio.

He looks around resignedly, searching for any hint of familiarity in his surroundings. Somehow, he seems to have come across an abandoned train station – which is strange, he hadn't known there is one close by. But he hasn’t really had time to thoroughly explore Seoul, so he’s not too surprised that he’s never stumbled upon this place before.

He must have walked farther than he’d thought, unknowingly.

“Ttukseom Park Station…” he reads the dilapidated sign with difficulty, and frowns slightly in confusion. Isn’t that an existing station on Line 7? Perhaps this is the original station, later abandoned and replaced.

By now, the sky is fully dark, and the first few stars are already glinting above. Kai notes vaguely that he should probably be more concerned about his situation, but he’s frankly too worn out to feel worried.

He decides that there’s probably not much use in trying to find his way back in the dark and getting even more lost in the process. The members or the staff will probably come find him, or he’ll just retrace his steps in the morning when it’s light again.

Sitting down in the patches of grass that have grown over the platform, he hugs his knees close and wraps his hoodie tighter around himself to keep warm in the chilly night. Looking up at the vast night sky, he is vividly reminded of another time when he’d sat in the grass, stargazing. That time, he’d had his members around him, and he’d felt safely cocooned in the comforting warmth.

Now, he's just cold. The tips of his fingers are turning numb and he rubs them together halfheartedly.

(he can't remember the last time he’d felt truly warm)

Back then, the five of them had felt invincible, ready to take on the world – together. But Kai no longer possesses that confidence. Instead, he can't help but feel undeserving of his spot in the group, and perpetually guilty for being a hindrance. 

He takes a deep breath. Then another.

… maybe he shouldn’t have been given the chance to debut. Maybe then TXT would have been even better, even more loved, without him around to mess things up for everyone else.

(because that's all he's good at – messing everything up –

– and it _hurts_ )

Kai closes his eyes and leans back against the platform wall, heavy thoughts swirling and jumbling together into an almost tangible weight upon his chest. As he falls asleep uneasily, under the glittering starlight, his last indistinct thought is –

… wouldn’t everything be better…

… if he had never been a part of TXT?

***

**_After this tunnel, after we open our eyes  
Our dreams will become reality_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by that ep of one dream txt where beomgyu gives advice to hyuka on his performance - they both handled that so well and with so much maturity.
> 
> bonus points if you know where Ttukseom Park Station comes from ~
> 
> also, did y'all see the newest To Do ep I couldn't stop smiling at hyuka vs roller coaster and also when he rapped a children's song perfectly... does his cuteness know no limits uwu


	3. star light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone is staying safe and healthy! please prioritize your health, stay informed, and be considerate of those who are at a higher risk (the elderly, immunocompromised, healthcare and frontline workers, those without unpaid sick leave, etc.) - compassion and empathy are more vital than ever in these difficult times

**_I don’t, I don’t wanna wake up_ **

***

The shrill beep of the alarm cuts through the peaceful silence of dawn. Without opening his eyes, Kai turns over sluggishly to reach for the snooze button. He doesn’t remember setting an alarm – in fact, he hasn’t set an alarm for months, preferring to rely on his members to wake him up on time.

With the alarm muted, the silence that falls is positively blissful. Kai settles deeper into his blankets and buries his face in the pillow childishly.

… actually, it is almost _too_ quiet. Where are his members anyway?

Kai opens his eyes and sits up with a frown, glancing around the empty bedroom. Then he rubs his eyes vigorously before opening them again – but his surrounding don’t change. “… is this… a dream…?” he murmurs, bewildered.

Instead of the familiar dorm room crammed with bunk beds and decorated by a perpetual messy sprawl of clothes, he finds himself in a small, cozy bedroom – which he belatedly recognizes. It is the cheap apartment he’d briefly lived in after moving to Seoul and before moving into the trainee dorms at BigHit Entertainment.

“How did I end up here?” Kai says aloud, searching his memories for any clues.

Wait –

The events of yesterday return to him in a rush. Didn’t he get lost and fall asleep near an abandoned train station? Did his group members bring him here after finding him? But that doesn’t make sense – they wouldn’t have known of this place, as he’d lived here before becoming a trainee.

His disjointed musings are suddenly interrupted by the cheerful melody of his ringtone. Caught by surprise, he scrambles awkwardly for his phone. “Hello?” he answers automatically, slightly breathless.

“Kai, good, you’re up!” Kai stiffens in surprise – it’s Lea, his older sister. She continues: “Since you have that terrible habit of sleeping through your alarms, I wanted to make sure you’re on time for your first day of class.”

“… class?” Kai echoes, mind blank.

Lea sighs exasperatedly, the noise rattling through the phone. “Did you just wake up? You did, didn’t you. I thought you’d be more excited for your first day at Hanlim,” she admonishes. “Isn’t this the reason you moved to Seoul? To pursue your dreams of debuting as an idol?”

“… but…” – _didn’t I already debut?_ Kai feels as if she has suddenly begun speaking a language that he does not understand. And his first day at Hanlim had been almost two months ago.

“Anyway, don’t be late, okay?” Under her breath, Lea mutters something that sounds suspiciously like _‘I knew I shouldn’t have trusted you to live alone’_ before adding, “I’ll talk to you later – you better get going soon.”

“Okay,” Kai agrees weakly. The call ends with a beep, but he remains frozen for a few seconds, trying in vain to make sense of everything.

 _Bzz._ His phone buzzes gently and lights up. Lea’s new text message appears on the screen – a simple “have fun at school!” – but Kai’s attention is caught by something else on the screen.

The date is August 22, 2019.

That was the date he’d first transferred to Hanlim.

The phone slips out of his slack hands and drops with a muffled thud onto the bed, but Kai is barely aware of the sound. Countless thoughts start racing through his mind at once, muddling together into an incoherent mess.

He pinches himself, hard, and immediately feels a sharp stab of pain, proving that he is not dreaming.

But that’s not right, he thinks wildly. Even if he accepted that – somehow – he is transported almost two months into the past, at that time he had already debuted together with TXT. He had been living in the BigHit dorms, not at this apartment.

_Where are the other members?_

An unsettling sense of wrongness subtly trickles over him. With numb fingers, he picks up his phone and clumsily types in ‘Tomorrow X Together’ in the search bar, clicking on the first result that pops up.

_Tomorrow X Together, commonly known as TXT, is a four-member Korean boy band formed by Big Hit Entertainment. The group consists of members Yeonjun, Soobin, Beomgyu, and Taehyun. They debuted on March 4, 2019 with…_

Kai stops reading as the screen blurs, the words distorting and swimming in front of his eyes. He struggles to take a breath, feeling lightheaded.

(then… had it all been… just a dream?)

***

Despite the utter shock of the revelation, Kai eventually pulls himself together enough to make his way to Hanlim. On autopilot, he shows up at his usual classroom in an unthinking daze and is promptly ushered to the front of the class by the second year homeroom teacher.

“Class, I would like to introduce our new transfer student, Huening Kai,” the teacher announces. Kai waves automatically, overtaken by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu.

A polite smattering of applause follows – nothing like the uncontained excitement that had greeted him as a member of TXT. Now, he is just another nobody, a wannabe idol like a good portion of the students here.

Kai bows awkwardly and quietly takes a seat. He tries to focus as the teacher launches into his introductory lesson on trigonometry, but the sense of déjà vu only grows stronger as he recognizes the exact same lesson he had already lived through once – in his ‘dream’.

He knits his brows in confusion. If everything – becoming a BigHit trainee, debuting with TXT, attending Hanlim – had really been an extremely vivid dream, then how is it possible for him to have learned the actual material being taught?

Kai spends the morning classes in a distracted haze of contemplation, head absently propped on one hand. If he is to be honest, he doesn’t truly believe everything he had experienced to be just a dream – perhaps it is just his own wishful thinking, but –

The memories he had shared with the other members seem much too real to be merely a product of his imagination.

How would it be possible for him to know the exact way Soobin-hyung scrunches his face in displeasure when he is woken too early? Or the way that Taehyunie becomes uncharacteristically flustered and tongue-tied whenever they happen to pass by Jungkook-sunbaenim in the building?

The corner of his lips lifts subconsciously at the endearing memory.

He remembers clearly how Yeonjun-hyung had laughed at him but had still patiently held his hand when teaching him to ride an S-board, and how Beomgyu-hyung had loved to tease him by mischievously stealing his plushies. He recalls the thrill of TXT’s debut performance, of all those fans cheering boisterously in the audience, of the countless blinding lights flashing over the stage.

He feels a sudden pang of loss.

How can these precious moments never have existed?

***

Preoccupied by his thoughts, Kai doesn’t notice when the lunch bell rings and his classmates shuffle haphazardly out of the classroom to take their lunch break. He remains in his seat in a trance, his mind miles away, listlessly tracing the pencil marks on his desk with one finger.

“Ah – sorry, I didn’t know anyone was in here,” a painfully familiar voice interrupts his ruminations, and Kai snaps his head up abruptly.

An intense burst of warmth floods his chest at the sight.

There, in the doorway, stands Taehyun, with Beomgyu peeking over his shoulder behind him. Upon meeting Kai’s gaze, they both wave in a friendly manner, but –

But.

There is no flash of recognition in their eyes.

(not that he’d expected – but – somehow, he’d still foolishly hoped – )

Kai swallows his irrational disappointment and returns their smiles with an effort. “Ah, sorry, did you need to use this classroom?” Kai says apologetically, half-rising from his seat. “I can – ”

“No, no,” Taehyun interrupts hastily, taking a step forward. “We were just looking for a place to have lunch. You don’t have to leave.”

“Actually, why don’t you join us?” Beomgyu adds with a kind smile. “Are you new here? I haven’t seen you around before.”

“Ah… yes, it’s my first day today,” Kai answers, feeling strangely shy. “I just transferred here.” He starts to sit back down, but then hesitates. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to bother you.”

“If anything, we’re the ones bothering you,” Taehyun chuckles. He and Beomgyu each pull over a seat and arrange themselves loosely next to Kai. “I’m Taehyun, in second year, by the way – and this is Beomgyu-hyung, he’s in third year.”

“Nice to meet you, Taehyun-ssi, Beomgyu-sunbae,” Kai says hesitantly, the formal honorifics feeling foreign on his tongue. “My name is Huening Kai, I’m also in second year.”

Taehyun’s eyes light up. “I guess we are same-age friends then – so just call me Taehyun, no need for formal language.”

“Ah, okay,” Kai is somewhat taken aback by Taehyun’s unusual openness, so unlike his usual reserved self. “… then please just call me Kai,” he adds timidly, after a slight pause.

(he’s just Kai now. Not Hueningkai, not Hueningie, not Hyuka, not Ningning –)

“Taehyun, stop scaring the poor boy and let him breathe,” Beomgyu interjects, amused. He pulls out a lunch box from his backpack as Taehyun sheepishly does the same.

Kai suddenly realizes that, with everything that has happened, he has completely failed to even consider the issue of packing lunch. His stomach chooses that moment to growl loudly, and he quickly covers his belly with his arms, mortified.

Beomgyu notices, of course. “Where is your lunch, Kai-ah?” he asks gently. “Did you forget to pack one?” Kai flushes and looks down.

“Ah, you’re so cute,” Beomgyu murmurs, smiling. “Don’t worry, we can share ours – right, Taehyunie?” Taehyun doesn’t answer, already busy tearing a slice of his pizza to give to Kai. He is always so kind like that, Kai thinks fondly.

(he misses his Taehyunie – the one that _knows_ him, the one that’s his best friend)

Kai doesn’t even realize he is crying until Beomgyu softly wipes away a tear from his face with a look of alarm. “Is everything okay?” he asks, voice full of concern, while Taehyun hovers uncertainly over them.

“… I’m fine,” Kai says thickly. Beomgyu’s look of worry doesn’t leave, so Kai hastily adds, “I’m just overwhelmed because… because I’m a huge fan of TXT.”

He doesn’t know where that comes from, but it works. Beomgyu’s expression changes into one of surprise mingled with a wry hint of amusement. “… ah, I didn’t know you recognized us. So that’s why you’re crying?” he says, looking like he’s trying to swallow a laugh.

Kai blushes in embarrassment and covers his face with his sleeves, wishing irrationally that he could somehow sink through the floor and disappear.

“I think that’s adorable,” Taehyun says solemnly, patting his head. “No wonder I felt so familiar with you right away,” he adds thoughtfully. “I think we’ll become close friends, don’t you think, Kai-ah?”

Kai can only manage to nod bashfully, a bittersweet taste in his mouth.

***

Kai eventually concludes that he knows too much about TXT for his memories to be just a dream. Although it sounds crazy – fantastical, even, he thinks that perhaps he has been transported (somehow) to an alternate reality, that night he’d gotten lost at the train station.

And –

In this reality, he has never been a part of TXT.

(…isn’t this what he’d wished for?)

From what he can find online, TXT is doing very well as a group of four, exploding onto the scene as super rookies and sweeping every rookie award. There are still some disparaging remarks that accuse them of riding on the success of BTS, but the majority of the commentary is positive and encouraging.

The forum page on Hueningkai doesn’t exist anymore.

Kai feels oddly unsettled when he finally brings himself to watch a fancam of TXT’s debut stage. Strangely, the discography and the choreography are the same, except they are obviously designed with four members in mind.

And the four of them are perfect together.

They look powerful, synchronized, charismatic. Their transitions are flawless, movements smooth and fluid. Yeonjun and Taehyun take turns belting out adlibs with confidence, while Beomgyu and Soobin are dazzling with their sleek, captivating stage presence.

(they really are better without him. but he knows that already, it shouldn’t come as a surprise)

It’s better this way, he thinks, with a shaky smile. He should be relieved that he’s not there to ruin everything. This way, they can truly show the world their talent, their brilliance – and get the recognition they deserve for all their hard work.

Selfishly, he misses them all.

***

But it’s not too bad, because he is so incredibly lucky to have befriended Taehyun and Beomgyu once again. They hang out at school more and more often, until they are near inseparable (just like before).

Occasionally, they mention Soobin and Yeonjun in their conversations – Kai always hoards those tidbits of information greedily, knowing that it’s the closest he’ll ever get to them now.

“Soobin-hyung has been stressed lately, preparing for the comeback” Taehyun confides quietly one day. “I wish I can help somehow – but I don’t know how.”

“He likes – I mean, I think he would like aegyo,” Kai suggests, thinking back to how Soobin always smiled at his childish antics. “Maybe that would cheer him up.”

Taehyun gives him a strange glance. “Soobin-hyung always seems disgusted by any aegyo – that would probably annoy him even more.”

“Ah – sorry, of course you would know him better,” Kai backtracks hastily.

“I think he would like you though,” Taehyun murmurs thoughtfully. “Maybe I should introduce you two sometime. Actually, I’m sure that Yeonjun-hyung would love to meet you too.”

Kai stops breathing for a moment, stunned.

Taehyun takes one look at his expression and giggles. “Don’t tell me you’re going to cry again, TXT’s biggest fan,” he teases.

Kai can’t bring himself to smile back. He pulls at a loose thread on his sweater absently. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says softly, after a moment. “I don’t think they’d like me.”

Taehyun looks taken aback. “What?”

“I…” Kai hesitates.

(how does he say that he’s afraid of ruining everything – again – with his presence?)

“I don’t want to be a burden,” he finally whispers.

A fierce expression settles on Taehyun’s face and he links an arm through Kai’s unthinkingly. “You’re not a burden,” he says firmly. “You’re kind, and funny, and an actual ray of sunshine, and no one can ever resist your adorable smile. Everyone will love you, you’ll see.”

“Thanks, Taehyunie,” Kai says with a weak smile, touched by his words. They’re not true, of course, but it’s still nice to know that Taehyun cares enough to try to make him feel better.

Taehyun looks at him sadly. “You don’t believe me, do you?”

Kai looks away and doesn’t reply, because there is nothing he can say to that.

***

These days, Kai goes home to an empty room, and pretends that he is not lonely. He buries himself in his pile of plushies, covers himself in a mountain of blankets, and tells himself that he is perfectly fine.

(it doesn’t work, of course, but – maybe it will, one day. maybe it will be enough)

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tyunning rise! also hyuka will meet yeonjun and soobin soon, don't worry.
> 
> honestly hyuka's rap and high notes in the Dope cover had my soul vacating my body and then his vocals in In My Blood completely slayed me so i'm not even sure how i'm alive to post this chapter
> 
> all i can say is can't believe people are sleeping on him or saying he's not main vocals?!? crazy


	4. star bright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys I’m so sorry for the slow update, I know it's no excuse but I’ve been busy trying not to fail school ;-;

**_We’re swimming through space_ **

***

Kai really doesn’t know why he chooses the dance major at Hanlim again.

Last time, it had been because he’d wanted to improve on his weakest area, because he knows that dance is not his forte. And it had worked – after several months of hard work, he had been proud to find his movements becoming more fluid and not as awkwardly stiff.

He had been looking forward to showing his progress at the comeback stages.

(he tries not to think about that, to shove aside the instinctive disappointment at what could have been. it is clear he isn’t meant for it anyway)

Kai has no plans to become an idol again, so he doesn’t really need to work on becoming well-rounded. He’s toyed with the idea of focusing on composition, so that he can possibly go on to be a producer or songwriter, but –

Still, somehow, he chooses dance. Maybe it’s the nostalgia that drives him, or perhaps it’s because he can pretend that everything is the same as before – at least until he goes home to his cold and lonely room.

Sometimes he loses himself in the comforting movements and manages to forget the feeling of being abandoned.

No – that’s not fair, he thinks guiltily. If anything, _he_ ’s the one who’d abandoned them, and he hates himself for it. So he throws himself fervently into his classes in an attempt to stop thinking about anything else, staying late to practice most days.

Taehyun is a vocal major, and Beomgyu is also a dance major but in a different class with the other upper years, so Kai doesn’t get to see them much during school hours. However, they both drop by often to hang out with him after school in the school practice rooms whenever they don’t have to go to official TXT practices.

Kai doesn’t remember them hanging out at the school so much before, when he had been a part of TXT – they would usually go straight to the company studios or the dorms together. He worries sometimes that he’s distracting them from their training, but selfishly, he’s glad that they seem to enjoy spending time with him.

“Is that a new plushie?” Beomgyu demands from the floor of the practice room, pointing at the small dolphin peaking out of Kai’s backpack. He makes grabby hands at it, and Kai instinctively snatches it away from his grasp.

“How many plushies do you even have, Kai-ah?” Taehyun laughs softly, shaking his head in exasperation.

Kai half-grins sheepishly, holding the dolphin close to his chest. It’s not the same one that Soobin had given him, but it looks similar, and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from buying it.

“Come on, I just wanted to look at it!” Beomgyu wheedles, a teasing glint in his eyes.

“No way! Don’t think I forgot that time when you –” Kai freezes suddenly, the words stuck on his lips.

He’s forgotten again, and he chastises himself silently for the slip. Here, Beomgyu had never stolen his plushies, never tossed them in the air, never made Kai chase after him from room to room.

That had been a memory from the past, one that only he remembers.

“Kai?” Taehyun tilts his head quizzically.

Kai swallows and looks away briefly before returning his gaze to Beomgyu with an effort. “Ah, I just mean that I don’t trust that look in your eyes – what are you planning to do to my dolphin?” He pouts exaggeratedly, hiding his momentary lapse.

Beomgyu smirks slightly before putting on an expression of mock hurt. “How could you accuse me like that?” he says dramatically, hand on his chest. “I wasn’t planning anything.”

Taehyun rolls his eyes at their antics, and Kai can’t help but give a tiny but real smile in response.

He doesn’t know how he’s fortunate enough to have them as his friends again, when he’s just a nobody now, but he’s so, so grateful that he hasn’t lost them forever. Even if –

Even if they don’t remember him, the years of memories they’d built together, the laughter and the hardships they’d shared. But Kai isn’t that greedy – even this is more than he deserves.

It’s enough, just like this.

(deep down, he doesn’t want to admit he’s afraid of losing this too)

***

Evidently, Taehyun isn’t afraid of changing the status quo.

He doesn’t directly bring up the topic of meeting the rest of TXT again, and Kai gradually lets his guard down, believing the matter to be settled.

(he should be relieved at that – but instead, he just feels a strange tightness in his chest)

Then, one day after school, Taehyun casually interrupts Kai’s slightly frustrated rant – about how the school piano practice rooms are always fully booked – to ask if he’d like to visit their company’s practice room.

“Our piano is much better than the school’s, you know,” Taehyun mentions offhandedly. “And it’s free most of the time so you won’t have to fight for a booking.”

Kai sputters for a moment, shocked. “That’s – I can’t possibly do that, I’m not even a trainee at the company.”

“You should be,” Beomgyu mutters under his breath, without looking up from his homework. Kai pretends he doesn’t hear the remark, even as it sends an uncomfortable twinge through him.

Taehyun shrugs. “No one uses it anyways. BigHit isn’t that big, and most of us are too busy to play much these days.”

Kai hesitates. He hasn’t even gone near the company since… Perhaps he is subconsciously trying to save himself the pain of remembering what he’d lost. He looks away. “Would I even be allowed at the company…? I’m just a random nobody – I’d probably be kicked out.”

“You’re not a nobody,” Taehyun says, unexpectedly fierce. “You’re our friend.”

“And we are allowed to bring friends, you know,” Beomgyu teases. “Obviously, we’re expected to use our discretion – and can’t reveal anything important – but just hanging out there is fine.”

Biting his lips, Kai considers the offer. He’s tempted by the thought of a well-maintained piano that is freely available for use, but –

As if catching the train of his thoughts, Taehyun adds comfortingly: “don’t worry, Soobin and Yeonjun don’t really come by the piano room that often, and they’re usually at the dorms at this time.”

Kai releases a long breath. “Alright,” he laughs softly, “you’ve convinced me. Fine, let’s go then.”

Taehyun beams brightly.

(in hindsight, Kai probably should have taken that as a warning)

***

Despite mentally steeling himself for the visit, a current of nervousness runs through Kai as he enters the BigHit building. It helps that he has Taehyun and Beomgyu by his side, unwittingly diverting him from his uneasy thoughts with their carefree banter.

(the last time he’d been here – he’d had four friends at his side)

Kai swallows, his steps faltering.

Fortunately, Taehyun mistakes his hesitance as unfamiliarity and links his arms with Kai’s reassuringly. “It’s alright,” he smiles. “The staff are all very friendly.”

Kai forces himself to smile back. He knows that, of course – and he misses the manager-hyungs and stylist-noonas who’ve been with him for so many years.

He tries not to dwell on the melancholic thought.

“Here we are,” Beomgyu announces, pushing open the door to the practice room with a playful flourish. Despite himself, Kai perks up at the sight of the familiar pristine piano standing proudly in the middle of the room. He’d spent many idle days practicing here, as a trainee.

“Thanks, Taehyunie, Beomie-hyung,” he says happily, forgetting his previous misgivings for a moment. Focused on making his way to the piano, he misses the slightly guilty glance that Taehyun and Beomgyu exchange behind him.

“No problem – we love hearing you play,” Taehyun says encouragingly. “Go ahead, and we’ll work on finishing up the schoolwork.”

Kai beams at him, then turns his attention to the piano, settling into a familiar warm-up.

He’s so focused on the keys that he doesn’t hear the studio door open halfway through his third piece. He only realizes that two more people have joined them in the room when they begin clapping after his dramatic ending chord.

“Bravo,” Soobin says with a dimpled smile, clapping cutely, while Yeonjun lazily waves from beside him.

There’s a beat of silence, before –

Kai panics.

With an embarrassingly loud screech, he falls backwards off the piano seat, hitting his knee on the piano in the process.

“Oh - oh no - are you alright?!” Soobin rushes to his side. Kai flushes bright red and stammers something incoherently, all the while wishing the ground could somehow open up and swallow him whole.

“Don’t worry, he was just too excited to see you guys,” Taehyun manages to say, straight-faced. “After all, Kai does happen to be TXT’s biggest fan.”

At this, Beomgyu can’t seem to hold back any longer and dissolves into snorts of laughter. Kai glares at him from his awkward position on the floor, feeling betrayed.

“Oh, so this is who you wanted to show us,” Yeonjun muses, a reluctant smirk at the corner of his lips. “I was wondering why Taehyunie called us here today.”

Kai redirects his betrayed glare to Taehyun, who looks away sheepishly, not meeting his gaze.

“Ah, so you’re Kai-ssi! We’ve heard a lot about you, it’s nice to finally meet you,” Soobin smiles warmly, helping him to his feet. Kai feels his cheeks flare hot again as a wave of shyness crashes over him.

“Nice to meet you, Soobin-sunbaenim, Yeonjun-sunbaenim,” he mumbles, stumbling haphazardly towards the door with his gaze firmly glued to his feet. “Sorry for bothering you, I’ll be leaving now.”

Ignoring the startled protests behind him, Kai shoves blindly at the door in his instinctual attempt to run away from the chaotic situation.

The door doesn’t budge.

“… it’s a pull door,” Yeonjun drawls, lips twitching in amusement.

This time, everyone bursts into bright, unrestrained laughter.

***

“So. A fan, huh?” Yeonjun asks idly, chin propped on his hands.

“Oh my god,” Kai says, utterly mortified.

“Yeonjun-hyung, be nice,” Soobin admonishes with a hint of a laugh, reaching over to pat Kai on the head. “Don’t worry, he’s not as intimidating as he seems,” he reassures Kai.

Yeonjun sticks his tongue out, making a face, and Kai giggles despite himself. Putting aside the disastrous impression he’s managed to make – he’s still internally cringing at that fiasco – talking to Soobin and Yeonjun again hasn’t actually been as upsetting as he’d imagined.

Maybe it’s because he’s finally accepted the fact that he’s now just a stranger to them.

There’s no trace of recognition in their eyes, of course, but Kai is better prepared this time, and hasn’t allowed himself to hope for anything more. Instead, he finds himself stealing furtive glances at their faces, their smiles, their familiar expressions –

As if he’s trying to commit them resolutely to memory, all these tiny precious details that he’s taken for granted in that other reality.

(as if he’s afraid that it’ll all disappear again, fading away like the last wisps of a dream)

“Sorry, Kai, are you still mad at me?” Taehyun whispers guiltily from beside him, as if sensing his sudden plummet in mood. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. It’s just – I thought you would all get along – and really, they’re very nice –”

Without thinking, Kai grabs and holds Taehyun’s hand reassuringly, the way he’d done so many times before. “I’m not mad,” he smiles earnestly. “I’m really happy. Thank you.”

Some of the tension leaves Taehyun’s shoulders at that, and he smiles back gently.

At that moment, Beomgyu comes back from his impromptu snack run, and Yeonjun immediately lights up at the sight of the mint chocolate ice cream sticks. Soobin gives an exaggerated grimace in disgust while Taehyun shakes his head, resigned.

“You got two this time? You’re the best,” Yeonjun says reverently, making grabby hands at him.

Beomgyu rolls his eyes. “They’re not both for you, hyung. The other one is for Kai.” He adds under his breath, “even though I still don’t understand how he can like it.”

Yeonjun turns to Kai disbelievingly, eyes wide in excitement. “Wow, kid, finally someone with good taste around here! That’s it, let’s just ditch these losers and go hang out.”

Soobin shoves at him half-heartedly. “Hey, don’t try to keep him to yourself,” he says, pouting. “I only just got to meet him.”

Kai laughs in embarrassment, burying his face behind his sleeves.

“You really are as cute as Taehyun said,” Soobin says, smiling gently. Then he can’t help but add mischievously, “and I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. It really cheered me up.”

“ _Hyung_ ,” Taehyun says reprovingly. “If you keep teasing like this, he’ll never want to see you again.”

Soobin looks appropriately contrite at the reprimand, almost startled, in fact. “Sorry, Kai-ssi. I don’t know what’s gotten into me – I’m not usually so –”

“ – open? Playful?” Yeonjun suggests interestedly, opening a bag of chips and offering one to Kai nonchalantly.

“It’s fine, Soobin-sunbaenim,” Kai mumbles shyly, a bit uncomfortable with the attention.

“It’s just…” Soobin trails off, looking at him contemplatively. “… why does it feel like I’ve known you for years…?”

Kai’s heart skips a beat.

“I know what you mean!” Taehyun breaks into the conversation excitedly. “I felt the same way when I first met him.”

“You do look kinda familiar,” Yeonjun agrees, eyes narrowed in thought. “Have you ever been to one of our fanmeets?”

“I…” Kai stammers, unsure of what to say.

Thankfully, Beomgyu comes to his rescue. “Stop interrogating him, he’s gonna think we’re all a bunch of weirdos now. Also, finish up your snacks, practice is going to start soon.” To Kai, he says apologetically, “sorry, they’re usually not this intense.”

Yeonjun leans back sheepishly and drops the topic.

“Don’t worry about it – I’m happy that you feel comfortable with me,” Kai finally replies, with a small but sincere smile. “I’m really glad I got to meet you all.”

“Come back again, okay?” Yeonjun says insistently. “Hyung will buy you ice cream, my treat.”

"... thanks, hyung,” Kai gives a soft grin, and then starts gathering his stuff to leave, reluctantly.

After all, he’s no longer a member of TXT, no longer a part of their practices.

“Stay a bit longer and help us finish the snacks,” Soobin says beseechingly, and Kai can’t find the willpower to refuse, even though he knows he should probably stop imposing on TXT and delaying their practice.

It feels right, though – the five of them, together like this. It feels – warm.

So Kai stays for just a bit longer.

(he hasn’t felt this warm in a long, long time)

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this keeps trying to swerve into Sookai but I’m determined to write a Gen fic because all of Hyuka’s bonds with his members are precious <3


End file.
